All my life, I had played by the book. Good grades - check. Good schools - check. A decent job with a healthy balance of life, hobbies, and vacations - check. A loving family and partner, and lots of people around who generally seemed to like me... On the surface, I had nothing to complain about, yet I was not happy. I did not feel like my work was fulfilling, or like my relationships had depth. I wanted to be of service, and I wanted to be a part of community, but what did it all mean, really? What was I to do with all these years ahead of me? Why did it feel like something was missing from life, like I was not fully living?
Well, I wondered and I wandered for a long time. After quitting my job, I spent a few years traveling, farming, volunteering, and trying a bunch of new things, including not doing anything. None of these things seemed to make me happy either, and amidst my confusion and angst, I ran into my teacher and the women's group that has now become The Heroines' Journeys. Here I found a group of women who, despite our different backgrounds and stories, had similar pains and dreams as me, and were asking similar questions. We got to work - digging through layers and layers of conditioning, baggage, and what was no longer serving us, in search of our true souls and hearts.
The Exercise
One of the first exercises we ever did, and which really helped begin my journey of getting to know myself, is this:
Every day for a week, try to notice whenever you are lost in thought, or the same thought runs in your head over and over again - something that happened at work, something someone said, fantasies and daydreams, worries about the future, anything. It might be really hard to notice yourself doing this at first, but it will get easier the more you do it. You can also set a timer at a regular interval (every half an hour, every hour, etc.) and check in with yourself to see if you're thinking about something other than what you are doing in the present moment.
Jot down the content of the thought you observed, whether it has to do with the past, present, or future, and whether there are any emotions attached to it.
After a week, examine what you have written down. Do you see any patterns in the kinds of thoughts you find yourself with? Do you have a lot of thoughts about one particular area of your life, like relationships or work? What do you notice about your thought process?
Try it for yourself. You might be surprised of what you find!
When I did this exercise, I realized that my thoughts are mostly about the future and sometimes about the past, and rarely about the present. I also noticed that I have a lot of fantasies and worries about how others perceive me, and that I spend a heck of a lot of time and energy planning for perfection instead of taking definitive action. With the guidance of our teacher and the support of the Heroines’ Journeys group, I've come to see over the last year or so, the overarching theme of 'control' in my life. I learned that, when you lack control inside, you seek control outside. I had several 'aha' moments where I realized that I had been afraid to face life as it is, with its inherent uncertainties, risks, and pain. Instead, I had sought to keep it under control, at least on the surface, and when that didn't work, disconnected and retreated into fantasy-land. No wonder I wasn’t taking any action toward my goals. No wonder I didn’t have any real goals! No wonder the things I did were not fulfilling and the relationships I had felt superficial. No wonder I didn't feel like I was living fully!
These realizations unfolded slowly but surely, and my life began to change. I noticed the many ways I had been grasping to secure certainty in my life - obsessively scheduling everything in, 'rehearsing' my interactions with people, seeking external validation and approval, opting for smaller, safer tasks rather than daring to tackle real problems or set out for a goal with conviction. I began to loosen my control (still work in progress!) and to trust, show up to life, and work with it and dance with it in its full, joyous, and painful glory. I am just beginning to come to terms with how much creative potential I have (we all have) locked inside the small life I had squeezed myself into, and I am learning to channel it through internal mastery and control. One baby step I’ve taken is the SoulPrints podcast, through which I am finding my voice and learning to put in consistent effort toward a long-term, open-ended project. Putting together the Heroines’ Journeys program with my new women friends is also teaching me what it means to work in harmony with others in service of something far greater than myself. The program has grown into an open playground and community, where we not only learn the lessons but find ways to live the teachings, to make real changes to our lives and leave the place a little better than we found it. All the while watching our lives unfold in such mysterious and awe-full ways. ;-)
If you’ve read this far, and if any of my questions, frustrations, and realizations have resonated with you, you might also be ready to begin your own Heroine’s Journey! I invite you to try out the exercise above as a starting place, and take your time to really reflect on what you find out about yourself. I trust that, if you are truly seeking, you will find your own perfect way to carry that little spark forward. Please do not hesitate to get in touch with us with any thoughts or inquiries, and I wish you strength and courage on your journey! <3
Hana