I was out learning to snowboard a few years ago when my valiant husband volunteered us to board down a Blue slope. 

Balance had never been that much of a challenge to me and I started to move pretty quickly.

We started down the slope and I began to pick up speed. A few seconds in however, just as I approached that awesome cruising zone where effort balances ease, I was flooded with imagery of myself tumbling over, breaking my neck, dislocating my shoulders and losing limbs! These thoughts came crashing down on me following which I had no option but to come to a halt in the only way I knew how - land on my butt.

This happened over and over again over the next few days.

What I discovered was this - rather than staying with it and learning to navigate the acceleration and possible fall, I would purposely fall down on to my butt to break the speed. I wanted to stay safe. 

Just when it came time to surrender to the uncertainty of the ride, I sat it out. 

Strange thing is, how we approach uncertainty in one form is likely how we approach it in all forms.

A similar pattern was playing out in my personal and professional relationships. Especially with those that mattered the most. Just as the relationship took a step deeper, I felt claustrophobic and in that fear checked out. Even though I wanted nothing more than to relate intimately, have a space that I could be myself in and extend the same courtesy to the other, just when it came time to open up to be vulnerable, I’d step back and shut people out.

And in my career, this pattern showed up as me not trusting any one path, fully. Just as I started to go deeper, and began something, would I find a more interesting path calling to me.

Nothing ever cut it. 

And I kept seeking. I wanted to be part of a Community and having tried out various groups - board gaming, hiking, meditation, nothing seemed to quite satisfy that itch..

What I had been demonstrating was my repeatedly saying NO to things coming my way. Out of fear of failing, of being hurt, of being wrong.

To opportunities. To others. To myself. And in the process of denying it, I was choosing to stay safe but small. Life was happening around me, but I chose to participate ‘later’. 

The Heroines' Journeys course brought together a group of diverse women whom I have come to regard as my most intimate circle, who are similarly on their own journeys of self-discovery. Led by our Teacher, we have explored the many facets of our own natures through myth, the nature of Mind, metaphor, our values, relationships, ancestral work, and more.

The group of women has served as a steady, experienced and kind sandbox to explore relationship dynamics and wounding so that we may take our new understanding into our lives outside. It has been the best kind of Behavior Lab that I could wish for!

The Heroines' Journeys course in the last two years has made me progressively more aware of my Yes’es and Nos and I am learning to see my compulsive No’s just a little clearer. It asks where my attention lies and asks where I’d like to put it instead. Because where our attention goes, our energy goes!

Over the last two years, noticing where I spend my attention and then consciously choosing to say YES! to that which draws me closer to my values, has led me to give multiple talks at yoga studios, universities and companies. 

Important relationships that I was convinced were lost, have rekindled and are in the process of healing.

The Soulful Courtyard podcast also took birth. Check out https://soundcloud.com/user-355932330

This course has been an opportunity for me to practice re-committing over and over to saying “YES!” to engaging with life.. to taking that Heroine’s Journey, the adventure that calls to us all to embark on discovering which notes we are in the grand symphony of Life and how to be the best possible versions of those notes in service to that grand symphony.

I’d like to end by sharing a helpful exercise that helps me check my awareness and where I am spending my attention. 

The Exercise

Over the course of a month, jot down in one place your thoughts, associated emotions, and sensations daily. 

Make 3 columns to note associated pieces side by side. 

Thoughts are the language associated with our mental narratives - like “I don’t want to do this”, “She is so self-rigteous!” “I love being outdoors!” 

Emotions come associated with the thoughts like resistance, dismay, anger, fear, happiness, joy etc.

Feelings are those physical sensations associated with an emotion. Like the tightening of the chest in fear, of the face getting hot in embarrassment, heart racing in anticipation etc.

Whenever you become aware of a thought or an emotion or a feeling, see if you can pause to note down whichever caught your attention first. You can do this noting down every hour or every other hour - I've found the soft chime of a bell at your chosen interval serves as a good reminder.

Jotting your Thoughts, Emotions and Feelings helps discover where your mind has been hovering.

Also, dropping into Feeling/Sensation in the body helps us step out of our compulsive thoughts just long enough to reconsider habitual reactions and give ourselves the opportunity to choose differently. And I encourage you to choose YES! 

If you have any questions about the exercise, or if my account above resonated with you, please feel free to reach out to me or my lady colleagues. We will be happy to talk further and help in any way that we can.

Sanjana